Who, What, Where?

There are Christmas lights on the evergreen trees at the corner of the block.
Apparently tomorrow is Halloween.
Gas is averaging $2.15.
My friend Kile from WA called tonight and we had a really good conversation.
I have a really great book to read before bed (Wide Open Spaces: Beyond Paint-By-Number Christianity by Jim Palmer--one of my favorite authors).
I have a Netflix DVD to watch.
Tomorrow should be a good day.
One of my new classes tonight was excellent (Buddhism and the Christian).
I did pretty well in discussion during history today. Had some good points to make.
There wasn't anymore good deals on candy to replace my mixed bag of 50 Reese's products.
Still need to buy a ticket home for Christmas.
Need to fix plans for January.
I got to feel a real seal skin pelt on Wednesday.
It's 12:30am and I'm still wound up.

The Grey of Black and White

Through a work of the Spirit I have survived this week and an intensive class on dismantling racism this weekend (Fri.-Sun.). Still breathing and amazingly cognitively functioning fairly well, but very wiped out. So excited to go to bed!!

One of the most powerful parts of the class this weekend was watching the documentary The Color of Fear (1994)by Lee Mun Wah. Highly recommend you see it and then process it with people you know well and trust. It's intense, vulgar, brutally honest and touches the depth of humanity and racism. Really helped me understand what white privilege is and how it impacts people of other colors, races and ethnicities.

Chaos, Light and Dark

It's amazing to me how chaotic life can get. There's always good mixed with bad. On Tuesday Oct. 21, Ben Liesch died from a brain tumor. I found out today in the prayers during chapel because I haven't had the energy to keep up with Kirstin's blog about their journey with illness. Yesterday I found out I was approved by the faculty for ordination. Today one of my professors said he wants to use a PowerPoint I made for the Easter Vigil on internship during class tomorrow. I'm pretty sure I failed my history test on Wednesday. I know I totally botched the one major essay and it was worth 30 points. Today at lunch I saw a hilarious video on You Tube. I'll put the link at the end. It built my abs and it made my day a lot brighter despite the bad news. There's always Netflix too and that helps.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tTYr3JuueF4

Spiritual Transformations: Living Now In Eternity

I have been reading the book Spiritual Transformations: Science, Religion and Human Becoming by Karl E. Peters. I picked it up on the new books shelf at the library for three reasons:
1) The title sounded interesting.
2) It was thin enough to get through by reading a bit each night before bed.
3) There was a beautiful picture of light shining through green trees on the cover.

I know--don't judge a book by it's cover.

I finally reached the last chapter today and wanted to comment on a couple things I read.
"Like the Taoist story of the climbing of Mt. Everest--a story of conquest or of befriending--the Christmas story that I heard and saw portrayed, presented to me two ways of living on the edge of time--living by the power that destroys in order to preserve itself, or by the love that enables all people to flourish and fulfill their potential."

• I read this and had one of those moments where your brain is trying to take in the fullness of what you just read and still can't quite comprehend it, yet you love what it said. Isn't this the whole point--to lose ourselves in Christ and be so fully consumed by the Triune God that we let go of trying to secure our own lives and desires and live to love so that all around us might thrive?
  

"...being mindful of their needs and mindful of our limitations....Assuming whatever shape according to the conditions? That's playing when you think about it--the playing of young children. Becoming as a little child, Jesus says, one can enter the kingdom of heaven. When one becomes like this, one is living now in eternity."

• Reminds me of Paul when he writes "For though I am free with respect to all, I have made myself a slave to all, so that I might win more of them. To the Jews I became as a Jew, in order to win Jews. To those under the law I became as one under the law (though I myself am not under the law) so that I might win those under the law. To those outside the law I became as one outside the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law) so that I might win those outside the law. To the weak I became weak, so that I might win the weak. I have become all things to all people, that I might by all means save some. I do it all for the sake of the gospel, so that I may share in its blessings. (I Cor. 9.19-23)
• Then there's this whole eternity piece; the idea that everything we do, no matter how insignificant we see it, is part of the cosmic work of God. We take part in this every day and moment, but we don't often realize it. That's what the mindfulness piece was about--being aware that we are here to serve others and in that we find our true selves and purpose is part of eternity...lived NOW.
  

Hurricane October

I'm exhausted. I think it all started a week and a half ago when my history paper was due. I've never had such a hard time writing a paper. I think it injured my brain--permanently. Then in an attempt to recover from burning up my brain, I got behind in reading and suddenly realized the 4 books I need to read for the dismantling racism intensive class is due next weekend. I've only finished one of them. Not to mention how far behind I am in history now.

I have a history test next Wednesday that I haven't even started studying for. I started dog/cat sitting yesterday. Honestly though, the animals give me a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Last night I wrote a sermon that apparently turned out okay, but certainly wasn't my best work (plus it kept me up late). I'll be gone this weekend for a friend's wedding. One of my profs suggested I sleep in the car on the ride down. Probably not a bad idea. I'm also thinking that when I take my history test I'll bring my ice pack along and strap it to my forehead to keep my brain cool and not overheating.

Cloak of Invisibility

I'm short--5'1" on a good day. Often conversations will literally go on over my head because people are generally quite a bit taller than I am (at least by 5-10" on average). I get that I'm not easily seen. Up until recently (within the last year), I haven't spoken much or voiced my thoughts/opinions out loud which has added a layer to my invisibility.

I'm reading a book called Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen from the Harvard Negotiation Project. It's an easy read and quite insightful about what makes conversation and communication so difficult for people. They break it down into three basic parts that most conversations have:
1) "What Happened" Conversation
2) Feelings Conversation
3) Identity Conversation
The chapter I happened to read today was on listening. In a difficult conversation, focus on listening to learn about the other person because you genuinely want to learn and understand. If you can operate on that plane, people will feel heard, accepted and will be more likely to listen to what you are saying. That's great, makes sense and is extremely useful.

What bugs me is the idea that to be heard you must first surrender and listen to the other person. If I'm always the one listening, who will listen to me? When will I not be under the radar and be acknowledged as having a valid point and commentary--even if people don't agree with it??? When do I get to be cared for and appreciated?

Harry Potter uses his cloak when he wants to disappear. What about when you want to be seen?

Faculty Approved

This morning was my faculty approval interview. I arrived early before either Patricia or Rolf got there. Rolf came in twice wondering where Patricia was. We maybe got started around 9:10am. Rolf had to leave early because he was playing music in chapel. Nothing like a fun quick run through my preparation as a pastor.

Highlights:
Patricia: "Pretend you're sitting with a call committee and they ask you 'What's your theology?' What would you say?"
[Cause that's not a broad topic! Theology of what? When told it was just in general I decided the best commentary I could give was that it all boils down to the incarnation for me. God coming to me and for me. Even in a childlike fashion I am mind boggled that "You picked me! You love me! You want me!" Without God coming to us, there's no other source of hope for living in this world and finding meaning and purpose.]

Rolf: "It's clear from your essay that you write very well and concise and have a point."
Jen: "Well I learned that from you. Papers are supposed to have points! :)
Rolf: With a hint of a wry smile, "I suspect you knew that before though."

Probably the easiest and most relaxed interview I'll ever have.

Practical Use # 2

Last night I discovered an ingenious use for those active wear headbands that lots of teen girls wear during soccer games. I got mine to keep the short hair that misses my scrunci out of my face while I'm playing or exercising.

New use: Holding an ice pack to your forehead. Hands free!!

From the Inside Out

For those of you who've been keeping track, Ben, Kirstin and Raider have now moved from Houston, TX to Valparaiso, IN into a hospice center. Ben is doing well without a breathing tube and they are comfortable and together as a family in the center.

The grief and injustice of Ben's situation has naturally brought to light questions about life and death. Since I've been so stressed lately with classes, work and all other varieties of little things that require my attention, I've taken the last few nights off from reading for history and just crashed. Took an hour nap each afternoon/evening and watched lots of TV/DVDs.

Needless to say Ben's situation has tossed me into deep existential waters. So here's what's been on my mind.
1) We really are just one whole being (body and soul) as the Hebrew scriptures testify. So when we die, like Paulson said in Jesus the Savior class, we wait in our graves until we are raised at the last day [for do we not deserve to wait as sinners and betrayers for the fullness of God's grace?). I still have a hard time stomaching this, but it makes more sense than a divided body/soul (thanks so much Greek philosophy). And who's to say what "in Christ" will look or be like after death [especially when I'm already in Christ now for certain as a baptized child--is this true for all creation because of the work Jesus did on the cross??]?

2) The greater issue at hand for me is the intensity on life now which this situation forces. We only get one life and one chance to live. There are no do overs or dress rehearsals. As a perfectionist and one so deeply in love with God, I dread disappointing God. Part of me says "You're gonna fail because you're human and imperfect. God will still forgive." But it feels like it's a trite saying because what we do is so grieving to God (when we screw up and hurt others or cause pain/division in the world).

• So is it true that God's forgiveness goes beyond disappointment, grief, hurt and the shortfalls we do/cause?
• Can God be so grieved and yet still wipe his hurt/grief away out of love for us?

Then I look at the rock Paul gave me on internship. Tangible, baptismal proof that God loves me ANYWAY no matter what. So it must be true, but I need to hear it.

3) My other worry is about stress and life. Is this the normal amount of stress most pastors endure on a day to day basis? If so, how will I ever survive? Perhaps this is just a crisis moment or perhaps senior year at seminary is more intense than congregational life.

My prayer tonight was sung through the words of a praise song entitled Inside Out by Hillsong United. You can find it on YouTube with lyrics in case you are inspired to sing along. May it bring your soul healing should you find yourself in a theological hurricane like me.

Practical Use #1

I've known this for a while now, but thought I'd more publicly share my wisdom.

So you've got all these theological books sitting around that you've read, but are no longer interacting with on a daily basis? Here are some tips for making use of them!
1) Coasters--Whether on the couch or on the coffee table, a book cushions the table and the cup. Though if it's a book you like, I'd suggest putting down a napkin in case of spills or sweating cups.
2) Pressing Things--What better way to flatten a flower, other greenery, or something you've glued together than with some weighty theological books? Again, a sheet of paper or paper towel is wise in case there's bleeding from whatever you're trying to flatten.
3) Piled Up--Either to even something out or as a decorative display, a colorful, multi-sized, varied thickness stack of books is pleasing to the eye.

Financial Rant

Tonight I watched the VP debate. Before seminary I did everything I could to avoid politics and governmental/civic life. I didn't understand it and it was just a bunch of name calling and yelling. Why would I want to listen to more of that in my life?

What prompted me to write this post is all the commentary on this financial bail out. I love how we have figured out a way to blame someone else (banks and the mysterious entity that is "the economy") for our problems (over spending and digging a financial hole by living beyond our means) thereby acquitting us of our guilt and sin and getting someone else to clean up the mess (the rest of the US paying the bill for all the people who screwed up).

Now if I was in trouble and in need of the money lost through this financial blowout, I would want help too. It sucks for those people who've lost their investments. But when are we going to own up to what we do? When are we going to take responsibility for our own actions? When are we going to accept the consequences for the evil that we do? This kind of stuff doesn't fly in Kindergarten, so how are people still getting away with it???

With Lips of Praise

This morning I awoke to a song on the radio that has been stirring my soul with praise. It's called Mighty to Save by Hillsong United. I searched for the lyrics online to get the title and came across listings for YouTube. In an attempt to purchase the song online (and potentially the whole CD) I realized I didn't have quite enough online credit. It will have to wait for another day. In the mean time I am watching videos of their songs on YouTube. It is both healing to my soul to sing songs of praise and also provides rewards in between reading for history. Seriously. The history of religion in America is incredibly interesting and explains so much of why people are the way they are today and why our nation functions the way it does. Fascinating. But back to reading...