You Give Me Fever

It’s been a long journey across half the country to get here. The stress of moving and uncertainty of whether this was a good idea or not are clouding my enjoyment of the beauty of WA; which, by the way, is really sad because it’s gorgeous here. It stops me in my tracks every time I turn to the SW and see Mt. Rainier. I just can’t imagine seeing something so huge in the place where I live. It’s so hard to describe the mystery and awe the mountain inspires. I suppose much like I dance around the base of Mt. Rainier as I move about the city, so I dance and flirt with what I’m actually doing here. Is it just a ploy of the devil to drive so much gut wrenching fear into my soul as to prevent me from functioning at all here? Is it just so much all at once that overwhelms me and immobilizes me? I wish I had easy answers because then the struggle would end right? I’m sure it would just manifest itself in some other form. That’s what it is to live right? Living is struggle and constantly fighting against yourself, or as one of my professors likes to put it, praying against yourself. Life is tension. Life is dynamic. Life is give and take; push and pull. If equilibrium is the goal, then it is a dynamic equilibrium. A “balance” achieved by a constant back and forth of reactants to products and products to reactants. There’s your chemistry lesson for the day.

What if I’m tired? What if I’m done with fighting against myself? How do you reconcile wanting peace with wanting adventure? I’m dying to know; and I don’t mean metaphorically. Isn’t peace just the absence of risk and adventure the presence of risk? How can these two coexist? Clearly not very well as I daily have and provide proof. My soul, mind and body are weary with a fever of fear, upheaval and anxiety. Yet I still crave the adventure, newness, landscape, challenge and variety of being here. I am well aware that I am a walking contradiction. There are questions to which I do not want to know the answer. Yet there are things that must be resolved if I am to continue on the path that has led me to this place. I am empty and dried out, but full to overflowing with pain, grief and missing MN (i.e. home). I have discovered that one of the things I sought was a God of grace and mercy—the God of gospel. He finally showed up. I’ll grant, I guess, that he was on time. Now I’ve been kicked out of the nest to forage for food on my own and to flap these wings into flight. The only problem is that my instincts seem to be damaged beyond use. So here I have been tossed to thrash about and starve.

A Walk on the Water Side

For lunch today we traveled to Edmonds, WA and took in the sights of the ferry dock and Puget Sound. We ate at a very cool pub called Rory's (which made me think of my friends Rory and Becca). Had a very tasty Thai chicken wrap with malt vinegar fries. Yummy! The Sound stunk like ocean and the tide was so low you could see the barnacles, seaweed/kelp, and other water gunk. For all it's "ugliness," the coast was quite beautiful. You can easily see across the water to the Olympic Peninsula which is not far from Edmonds.

I spent the afternoon trying to figure out the transit system with Libby. You would think two smart girls could do this, but we floundered. In the end it was actually pretty easy to drive into downtown Seattle without much difficulty or traffic. We never reached the parking lot phase of traffic which was very good for my nerves.

The best part was checking out the posh Edgewater Hotel on the waterfront only to discover that you must have a valid, non-expired ID in a bar in the state of WA to be served if asked for you ID. You can't even be physically IN the bar without one. Strange state law #1. Note to self. From there we drove to the Seattle Central area and ate dinner at a delicious Thai restaurant. Never had Thai food before, but it was quite delicious. Prawns and all! It was wonderful to get out into the city and see the sights by car and by foot. Plus I met some of Libby's friends so now I know who she's talking about.

As a good close to the evening, in trying to get out of downtown, we happened across Kerry Park with an amazing--and I mean AMAZING--view of Seattle Central (where the space needle is).

Evergreen State of Mind

Today I arrived in WA. The house the church has set aside for me is amazingly huge. I have more space than I can live in and know what to do with. The fullness of my car and my parents' car have spilled out into the house and it seems like a tiny amount that I have brought with me. I know this not to be true because I packed up all my things. My traveling companions and I know exactly how much stuff I have. Appearances can be deceiving.

The seed has been scattered. My people are spread across the US and into foreign countries around the world. Today I feel the distance most acutely. Yet blood is thicker than the water and dirt that separates me from my people. Here is where the whirlwind storm has dropped me. We're not in Kansas anymore.

The Heart of the Awl

MN was always a place I wanted to go. I made a salt map of MN in third grade and have known ever since that I wanted to see what MN was like. Having studied it for class, it sounded like such a neat place in which to live. Over time my dream of living in MN faded from memory. Eventually I ended up living in MN and it was only then that I remembered my third grade dream.

Today I landed in ID. Originally the plan was to pass through here without much attention to the state. Though it was a completely unplanned stop, part of me is glad that I landed here today. The toll of traveling and lack of sleep came crashing in on me today. I was fairly certain at lunch that I would end up face planting in my burrito. I came rather close too. Coeur d'Alene is a nice city situated on a huge lake which bears the name of the town. A sea plane, boats of all shapes and sizes, skateboarders young and old, volleyball players, kids, walkers, runners, bikers, swimmers all converged at the lake where we ate our fried chicken picnic dinner.

Perhaps my ending up here is a function of resistance to getting to WA. And or overdosing on systematic theology in the car today. I talked with Paul today. He tells me they are looking forward to my arrival and will take care of me. It's one thing to read that in a letter or a note. A sweet sentimental comment. But this was spoken into my ears unmistakably. Do I deserve this? I suppose it comes with the package. I certainly didn't expect to need it. Afterall, I'm an independent, essentially self-sufficient woman. I know when to ask for help, but the goal is to not have to ask right? What I find is that I'm left with that sinking feeling: What if I can't do it myself? What if I do need help? Or worst of all, What if I need someone else to do something for me?

So stopping here was apparently no mistake. The name of the town is French, named by French traders for a local Native American tribe who lived in the area. They had tough trading practices, hence the name Coeur d'Alene (heart of the awl--check it out on Wikipedia). Interesting that I am cut to the heart in the city named the heart of the awl. At any rate, tomorrow I enter WA. It is over. There is no more time. The day has arrived. We're bringing it in with Raising Helen.

Big Grace in Big Sky Country

Busy day today. Lots of traveling and clicking off miles on the map. Moved from ND to MT today. Hopefully we will conquer ID and WA tomorrow. Heard from Paul today. Guess he called around lunch time, but missed the call. Will have to send an e-mail tonight.

It was good to leave ND. Though I must confess that Western ND was actually quite beautiful. We ran into the Painted Canyon. Gorgeous. Plateaus, hills, colors--wow. Celebration at the MT state line!! Woohoo! Then the funny exit names started. I left the list in the car, but the ones I can remember are Cracker Box Rd., Whoopup Cr. Road and Camel Hump Lake. Then there was the "No Meth. Not even once." signs and the "Smile." sign. Finally the road started to turn more and get into the hills. And in the distance--the mountains. Glorious sight they were. My soul was refreshed and renewed by seeing their shadowy outline far off. We saw the burned out areas where the fires had gone through near I-90. Once we finally made it into the mountains, I heard a thunk under the car. I figured it was just some gravel coming loose. We had driven through some tar and chip earlier. The car seemed a bit wobbly, but it was also really windy, so I couldn't quite tell what the deal was. I kept going down the road, but it just didn't feel right. I called my parents, who were traveling near by on the road. They decided to stop at an exit and check out the car.

As my dad circled the wagon (ha ha), sure enough the rear driver's side tire was leaking air. I knew we didn't have much time, so we pulled down from the interstate and onto a dead end gravel road. After surveying the damage, we decided that to change the tire for the spare we would have to unpack part of the back of my car. So unpack we did. After much hard work, we had the tire released. A call to AAA let us know that there was some civilization up ahead. Shortly there after the tires were swapped and we were on the road toward the nearest Wal-Mart. There were only open for the next 1/2 hr., so we had to get a move on. Not too much is around and/or open in this part of MT. There we inflated the tire and headed off for another hour's drive down the road.

At our final destination, we rolled into the hotel parking lot and scanned the horizon for dinner. All in all, things went fairly well considering what happened. Fortunately we ended up at an exit with no traffic and a quiet place to literally unpack the car and plenty of space to change the tire. Also fortunate, no free range cows checking us out while we were working on the car. And it's Monday, so Headlines are on for Leno. Score!

Here's to a beautiful MT landscape, fun times in the car, good music ;), good conversation, enough energy to keep on driving and an amazing sunset in the Rocky Mountains.

Travelling Mercies

I write from ND at the hotel. It's been a whirlwind tour from MN to here: packing up at record speed, cramming as much into the cars as we could, checking out and hitting the road. It feels so weird to not be in MN. It's my home now. I know I'm not on vacation. And I won't be going back any time in the next year most likely. I miss it already. But now that we're through the flat, empty, boring, soul and life taking/sucking out part of ND, it should be getting better. (Don't get me wrong. ND is great for some, but I'm a mountain girl.) We have only the mountains to look forward to now!! The best part of ND was when the wind finally stopped because the hills started. The landscape had life!

My good friend Libby spent our entire drive through ND reading to me from the book Yup, Nope, Maybe. It's written by two guys in an attempt to help women understand how men think and process. (btw, libby is blogging at the same time--ha!) It was a good read. Fairly insightful too. She has been such a gift on this trip. The time leading up to now has been so stress filled with trying to pack, leaving people, places, things (in storage)--so much going on and coming at me that I can't even process it all. It's just waves of....life I guess. It's been so wonderful catching up with her and creating new memories as we travel. As usual, once again, God has been excessively generous, gracious beyond measure and given me everything I needed.

As usual, Libby provided exquisite music to broaden my horizons and help me learn more about the awesome music out there. We had a good time in the car. Made the flat fields of grass and bales of hay speed by with ease. On to conquer MT tomorrow. I think I'm ready. What I'm really ready for is some of Libby's lectures that she has to listen to for class. And what you may ask is the topic??? Systematics. Aaaww yeah. Bring it on baby!