Bitter Joy

Today started out great. I even made it to history class early--unheard of!--and had a lovely chat with Ingrid on the way there. Made it through the turmoil of insurance waivers, had lunch with friends and went to dinner to celebrate Kelly's birthday. Congrats girl!

When I arrived home I read about 2/3 of the chapter for history class tomorrow and during one of my breaks I read some blogs. Ben isn't doing well and has taken a turn for the worse. He's having seizures, inflammation from the chemo/radiation and now a cyst as a result of the tumor starting to die. Currently he's stabilized in a coma in ICU. What started out as a mostly joyfilled day has taken on a very bitter taste.

There are lots of theological things I could tell myself, but none of them really matter in a situation that seems so unfair. The future of their family is being ripped apart. I know that none of us are guaranteed life--it's all gift. Maybe that's just it. My soul aches that Ben's is potentially being cut so short. Raider might never know who his Dad is. Kirstin might become a single Mom to a 1 year old.

God.....do you have anything to say about all of this?

Falling Into Place

Most of my life seems to be characterized by falling into things. Certainly there are parts of the process where I am deliberate and make choices, but mostly life is random and ambiguous. That's how I experience it anyway.

Last Friday I went to a young adult gathering through Redeemer called Common Ground. I didn't know anyone there and went by myself. Turned out to be really quite amazing. We spent time in prayer and conversation about what we wanted the group to be and do. Not only did I get to meet some new people roughly my age, but they were all so different and each had their own unique story about life. One of the best quotes from the evening was about how we wanted to welcome new people to the group. Someone wrote "as if they were an old friend with whom we had lots of catching up to do." What a neat way to approach someone you don't know! Instead of seeing a stranger you see a friend; one who is worth your getting to know.

One thing I wanted to focus on this year was having a place to belong. Even though it's only a year, internship taught me that a year is ample time to make a difference in someone's life and for them to change you as well. Imagine my surprise in stumbling on this oasis of people who are looking for community. As an added bonus the group feels called to do some tangible, visible, committed service. Yet one more thing I really wanted to focus on this year and make a part of my life.

In all of this I am keenly aware that God has provided these opportunities for me. Not in a scripted sense, because there are other groups I could have joined or service places I could have committed to and likely found a way to belong. I am simply grateful that this oasis isn't a mirage. I've already had some wonderful conversations and I can't wait to get to know more people in the group.

Anticipated Grief of a Real Imaginary Kind

I have been waiting for today to come and end. All week I've been working toward a bunch of deadlines which all ended today. This morning I had history class as usual, then came the funeral sermon, a quick lunch, then internship debriefing, work and at last...time for me. First a quick pause to talk about the sermon.

All week I have been pouring over this random situation I selected last Thursday and how to preach some kind of funeral sermon about it. I've never written one before, so a fresh challenge it was. The situation I had was a 40 year old woman named LaVonne who died from breast cancer leaving behind her husband and 3 kids aged 15, 12 and 9. I thought it woudl be challenging enough but not too far out of reach from all the tragic funerals we had at Trinity last year. Strangely the situation I selected randomly last week became reality this week. I discovered about a month ago that the husband of a friend of mine (Ben and Kirsten) has a brain tumor and surgery is not an option. They also have a 1 year old son Raider. Just this last week I found out that Ben's brain tumor is a stage 4 glioblastoma. The kind of cancer from which he is unlikely to recover. What was originally a removed funeral sermon suddenly became a very personal reality. It felt like I was trying to write Ben's funeral sermon instead of imaginary LaVonne's. I finally pulled something together that seemed decent--definitely not my best work--and gave it today in class, volunteering to go first to just get it over with. I was good until about 2/3 of the way through when I started thinking and only bad things happen when you start thinking during a sermon--I started crying. It was excruciating to get to the end. But I made it. My classmates were most generous in getting me a roll of toilet paper to blow my nose and our lab leader Pastor John Mann gave me a handkerchief which, while wrinkled and scraggly looking, he promised was clean. So it's been a long day.

Tonight I only did things that I wanted to do. As part of my celebration tonight I had my first chiropractic visit. Mostly because I was curious about what it would be like, but it released so much tension and stress. I felt like I was standing taller and straighter and much more at ease. More importantly...I did something for me. I invested in my well being and it felt really good.

Continuing the celebration, I watched the Grey's Anatomy premier. It was pretty good. I like the story line that the hospital is low on the list of top hospitals. It mirrors the slowness and awkwardness of the last season. I'm curious to see where it goes. I'm also hoping Christina's hot new military surgeon comes back. During the first half of the show I hemmed a pair of pants that I bought about 6 months ago. Somehow the motivation of wanting to wear them tomorrow spurred me to finish them.

Flying By

Did you ever get the feeling that life is just slipping through your fingers like water?? That's been my week so far and it's only Wednesday. Sure I'm still adapting to a new schedule and a new semester of classes, but can I hit the pause button for just a few hours or half a day? When do I get the chance to not feel like I NEED to be doing something so that I can just rest?

Today was supposed to be that for me. I did get to sleep in, but then almost missed getting to chapel in time to help with communion like I'd volunteered. This involved running up the hill to the chapel and feeling all gross and sweaty. Then I ran off to discipleship to do the opening ritual for the session because I felt compelled/called to do so last week. It went really well. I co-opted Paul's idea about the anyway stone as a reminder of baptism and God's promises combined with some scripture and an awesome baptismal/flood prayer I used for a double baptism in the Puget Sound last year.

Then I ended up not meeting with my professor (who incidentally disappeared into thin air--I think it was a faculty meeting, but I like the first version better), read a chapter of history, did a bunch of e-mail/online things, learned about my ED II class and how I can't supply preach that Sunday because I MUST be at all parts for full credit, and tried to read for my Christ in Asia class, but someone had already checked out the book. I know, it sounds like I didn't actually plan on this being a "me" day. That's my whole point. Life is just coming too fast lately to take a breath.

Now as I head home I need to hit the bookstore to check on prices for my ED II class, still have 2 chapters more of history to read (this starts a new book now) and maybe then I might get to rest.

One thing is for sure. No matter how much reading I need to do I am going to do some exercise when I get home with my beloved balance ball. The stress in my shoulders must go somewhere outside of me.

We Are Pilgrims On A Journey...

The song that line comes from is kinda cheesy (Let Me Be Your Servant by Richard Gillard). It's a ho-hum tune and gets annoying after a while; but so does constantly moving around and being part of a nomadic people. Maybe that's the depth of what the composer and lyricist wanted to convey. The last few years have found me caught in-between a love/hate relationship with being nomadic. There is adventure, excitement, challenge, variety and change with each new setting. There is also leaving, goodbyes, packing/unpacking, losing things/people and the general dis-ease/malaise of feeling lost. One of my great lessons from internship is that life truly is constantly in the midst of positive/negative. It's one huge dialectic. With joy comes sorrow. With life comes death. With pain comes healing. With faith comes doubt. With fear comes security. Just to name a few.

When I stepped away from getting an MDiv degree and heading toward being a pastor I ended up taking about 9 months to a year off and just feeling like I was wandering aimlessly as I muddled around in the dark with more questions than answers or directions. I lost the class of people I started with who were my closest friends. We'd been together since day one of seminary, but I couldn't just go on internship like they were all doing. I wasn't there in my faith walk and didn't have all that much trust that it was the best decision. So I said "no" and stayed behind at the seminary looking for jobs in chemistry (my undergrad degree) and working to finish an MA focused in the New Testament. Somehow in the midst of all this changing and running around that I was doing God was still at work creating good things for me on my behalf.

I still kinda miss the people I started with, but the group I'm with now is different in a good way that I can't quite put my finger on yet. All I know is that despite my fear and insecurity and distrust in God, God has worked (and still is!) all things out for good because God loves me. So not much more than praise from this corner! It doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me in my head--that God loves me so much, that God picked me to belong in God's family--but I'm ever so grateful that God is who God is (I AM who I AM--Exodus 3.1-14).

I have to say though that it's not being on internship that I miss. It's being with a people and belonging to a people that I miss. So I've determined to go belong to some other people in this area instead. Maybe I'm just taking JC seriously, but when I walk into church, that's the oasis and "home" for me no matter how many times I've moved around in the last year. It's taken some adjusting to get used to, but it's okay...I guess.

So I'm a nomad. God still loves me, provides for me and travels with me. Really...what more can you ask for?

What Does It Mean to Belong?

Two Sundays back I went to Redeemer for the first time since I left for internship. Somewhere in the middle of singing some praise songs I found myself in tears. I missed Trinity and Redeemer is very similar to Trinity in many ways. Later that night before I went to bed I sat and thought about what had happened that day. I'd been crying over leaving Trinity for at least a month and I began to wonder if I was missing some part of the healing process that should have been more obvious to me. It seemed so close and yet I couldn't quite name it. As I sat there thinking, it occurred to me what the issue might be.

My last sermon at Trinity was on the Canaanite woman who asks Jesus to heal her daughter but JC says "No, I came for the lost sheep of Israel." So the woman pleads, "Even the dogs eat the crumbs from the master's table." JC then responds that the woman's faith is so great and her daughter is healed. I saw so many similarities in her story and mine that I shared how lost I have been for most of my Christian travelings and how I have been searching for something missing which I knew had to do with God and me, but that was about it.

Afterwards, Paul came up to me and asked me "So how's the story end?" I never did get to answer him. Eventually I wrote back that "It ends with me finding what I was looking for--love, grace, acceptance, belonging." My story is the Canaanite woman's story. Most of my life in the church I've felt like an outsider. I grew up in the Lutheran church, but they never seemed to speak my language. There was no youth group and so I had to find my own connections through my friends' youth groups (which entailed a smattering of theologies and beliefs). When I had the most questions and confusion (basically 6th grade-college) it seemed that the church had abandoned me to my own devices.

What I realized from my Sunday episode after I'd written out some of what I was feeling was that I missed belonging like I did at Trinity--not just the people in particular, but the ways in which I was connected to them and how that made me feel. It occurred to me that all I had to do was start belonging somewhere else. It would be a waste in a sense and not using all that I've learned in this last year about how and what it means to belong to a people to just hole up in my apt. and feel sorry for myself, or to keep mourning and miss the morning (Psalm 30.4-5). Not that grief isn't real or will instantly disappear. I guess this is the piece I thought I was missing. My plan is to get more involved at Redeemer and start building some connections there. A year is loads of time to make a difference in peoples' lives even if you're leaving at the end of it. Such have I learned on internship.

So I carry with me this larger question: What does it mean to belong? The kind of belonging that cares for your social, emotional, physical, mental and spiritual well being. It doesn't just happen, but takes time and cultivation. It's something you grow into like a garden producing its fruits and yield.

First Week of Classes

I survived! Despite having to finish off my approval essay and wrap up final internship evaluation paperwork and start all my fall classes, I made it through the week with only 3 stress headaches and a couple crying sessions. Yesterday I mailed out my essay and all the final intern paperwork, so it is DONE in my book. Just a few signature pages to ferry to the right places and then I'm all set.

I lost my immunology, chemistry and my Jesus the Savior reader to the evil mail system called the USPS, but I am moving on. So far all my classes seem like they are going to be great for learning and discussion. Great professors and fun people with which to learn. I'm most excited that it's Friday and I finally get a chance to rest and catch up on some sleep.

Last night I spent some time trying to get my palm pilot working with my computer. Turns out I will need to buy some software for the sync capabilities for Outlook, but it should just be a $20 upgrade. Worth it, in my view, to have my schedule right at hand. Plus it's way lighter and smaller than my laptop and turns on/off faster than my laptop.

So fall semester of my senior year, here I come!!!

Meet the Parents

This last week my parents have been in town to help me move in and settle. It's been great to see them and just hang out since Karen and I ended up moving all my things out of storage. We went shopping a lot to replace some of the things I had to leave behind in WA and also to have some food to eat this last week.

My dad cleaned and waxed my car, Elle. Some evil bird pooped on it and apparently not enough rain came to wash it off and so ate through the clear coating and the paint layers. He did some touch up with paint, clear coated it and then waxed the entire thing. Can't forget that he changed the oil too! It's nice that he gets to contribute to caring for me by taking good care of the car. I know he likes it that I have a safe vehicle to drive.

My mom and I did some decorating and dividing up of things into their proper places in the apt. She took my stole home (Trinity's gift to me--obviously they think I'm getting ordained. I love that they have such faith that it will happen.) so we can alter it a bit for my vertical challengedness.

Both of them were excited to see me. I hadn't been home since January for just a few days, so my mom was missing me something fierce. My dad had been out in April, so he wasn't quite in as great of need as her. What can I say? There are airplanes that come out to WA and she doesn't fly. Oh well.

I went in to work on Weds. and after a brief walk around to see everyone who was there Lisa had me running Thankathon sheets to be called and other asundry tasks. I ended up staying 3-4 hours instead of just the 2 on which I had planned. Then was in the next morning to finish off the sheets.

Went out with Kelly and her friends Friday night at the Chatterbox Pub just to chill. Neat place. Pub with board/card games and lots of mingling. I spent Sunday afternoon back at my cafe and wrote out my entire final intern evaluation. Will soon be submitted on the internet and out of my hair!! Hooray!!