Jen's Blog

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Grey's Wisdom

At the end of this last week's episode of Grey's Anatomy I heard a great monologue about change. Basically all life is about change, but as it's been rather acute lately, I found the words consoling.

Change.
We don’t like it.
We fear it,
but we can’t stop it from coming.
We either adapt to change or we get left behind.
It hurts to grow.
Anybody who tells you it doesn’t is lying.
But here’s the truth: sometimes the more things change, the more they stay the same.

And sometimes, oh sometimes…change is good. Sometimes change is everything.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Two South Africans

People tell you to go and live your life; to make your own path and way in the world and to figure things out for yourself. So I do, but then I get stuck and confused. Then when I start to self-destruct and fall apart, people say "Why didn't you ask for help?" Well because you told me to go figure this out on my own!!

One of my professors at seminary once mentioned in class that we were only in seminary because we had failed at something in life. You know why I went to seminary? Because I am a failure at life. I had to go to learn how to live without hating myself so much, to cure my soul that had been in agony for years and to figure out how to be an adult. Well I'm kind of half way there. Let me just say that why I went and why I was called there are two different but related things. People tell me that your 20s are supposed to be fun and exciting and full of life and adventure. Well the 20s suck. I despise wishing away my life, but where's the fun? Where's the love? Where's life? If life is just getting up each day and going to some random job and despising your life, then count me out.

It's like people want you to be self-sufficient and an army of one. Doing that takes loads of energy. Energy that if supplied by only one person will drain them unto death in a relatively short period of time. So why do we abandon our young adults? Why do we shove them over the cliff and watch them flail miserably knowing that only a very few will be ready to fly that first time? Why do we send them on this sacrificial mission? Why do we break their spirits and bodies so early? What is it that we hope they will learn by us not walking with them and teaching them?

If you're trying to break our pride and our youthful arrogance, you needn't break our spirits along wtih it. True, this is no easy road and we young adults are not easy people with which to work. But life is different now. You don't just graduate from an institution and miraculously get a job or career for the rest of your life. Teach us how to discern and deal with change. Don't just push us off the cliff and hope for the best. To do so is to take the easy way out and to deny your call to community and the body of Christ. We're not impossible people, just difficult. But so are you elders.

Last night I met two people roughly my age from South Africa, Gareth and Julie. Besides their lovely accents, they shared the pain of being this age and having no idea what they want in life. There are options, but what's the next step? What will it cost if I choose this and not that? Thank God for other travelers on this absurd journey apparently called "life" who are willing to share their pain and joy in the hope that there is a future ahead of us that will actually materialize and not just remain theoretical.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Pass the Intern Please

Here's a fun new game to try out! Even if you're not an intern, the same rules apply.

In the last 72 hours I have slept in three different houses. Each has its own unique smell. My current abode smells like very strong guy’s cologne and looks like my grandpa’s house. Last night’s place was more like a resort/hotel and it came with dogs. I really liked having the dogs. Easy way to be distracted from myself and they liked the attention.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

The Polish Choir

Last night I went to a choir concert at the church. Usually I don't go to things like this because it's really hard for my ears to understand what the words are that people are singing. Guess my ears aren't tuned that way. It was a teen boys choir from Poland. This was their first time in the US. They sang so exquisitely! The way their voices filled up the sanctuary was quite something. Their selections ranged from sacred to comedic to sad commemorative to musicals. I think this concert might have started to change my view on choirs.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Comparison Is Death

This phrase was commended to me by one of my high school English teachers. I've always kept it in my head because I tend to store away information of that kind. The kind that is somewhat helpful at the time, but will most likely (hopefully) be useful in the future either to you or someone else.

These words have been coming into my mind in the last week as I've noticed how much I've been comparing my life to others' lives. Difference is good to notice and can be helpful in opening your eyes to that which you cannot or will not see on your own. Being the analytical self that I am, I notice the differences often and then sit and wonder about them. Why don't I write more about these kinds of things? Or, I wish I thought more like that. Or, If I could just stay more focused or more motivated then I could accomplish this and that.

Whilst these thoughts have been floating in my head the last few days, something Paul said joined the conversation. "All you have to do is be who you are right now, no matter what that is." And truthfully, is there anything else we can be? We only have these eyes to see through, these ears to hear with and these feelings to feel. How we experience life is the only version out of which we can speak.

But the grass looks better groomed and more verdant over there. Those people look happier than me. I won't be as good at this job because I don't think like this or I don't see things like that. The more I think these thoughts, the more I see of me; the more space I take up. Such comparisons spread through me like black death decaying every cell it touches, darkening the edges until all is consumed. As I slowly die, this phrase comes back into my mind. Until I start wondering, If comparison is death, what is life?

Monday, September 24, 2007

One Night

Tonight I discovered the buzz about the ONE campaign and the Millennium Development Goals. An emergent group in the Lynnwood area is preparing a worship service to be held here at Trinity in mid November. Paul invited me to check out the meeting (which he didn't give me any background on--hence he's not a detail person) which he then left half way through to go lead another group. As I started to get a feel for what this meeting was really about, I became quite engaged. Finally something I could "do" and in which I could take part. Not that I haven't been doing things, but this was somehow different and loads more exciting. I guess I've been looking for a project. It was strange feeling a bit important as I had the key to the building and could kind of direct the group to what they wanted to survey in the facility. I know so little about the building and don't really know anything helpful about the people here since it's only week 3.

I've never been overly tugged at or called to what I assume most would call social justice issues. I kinda get it but I don't. I know it's important, but in my head it all seems rather fuzzy. Now that I'm involved with this service, I get to work my way through discovering how I can attend to and take interest in these justice issues even though they are not my passion. Here's to learning along the way!

Friday, September 21, 2007

Across the Street

Today was a Tae Bo day. I just couldn't bring myself to go running. It was way too much work. Plus the top of my left foot hurts and I'm thinking it might be from running too much or maybe in bad form. Reminds me of my brother's foot fractures in the same place when he ran track. Though those of you who know my running style know I haven't run nearly enough to warrant such problems of the foot. Which is partly why I turned to Tae Bo today. Wouldn't you know, I strained the outside muscle on my left arm "throwing jabs" to the sound of Billy Blanks yelling at me on the TV "get your spirit energized!!" Seriously, if I knew how to do that on my own without you having to tell me to make it happen, I would have done it by now and would not be sweating buckets to the point I think I'm getting heat exhaustion.

Due to aforementioned Tae Bo-ing, I am now sitting across the street at Cafe Ladro putting some quality time in with my computer and uploading pictures from my trip out here. Apparently my spirit has been so "energized" that I needed a cup of sickenly sweet tasting tea (no, I did not add sugar to it--it just brews this way apparently) to calm my energized spirit and to soothe my sore left arm.

Today will be a low key day. I'm thinking of getting a DVD to add to my growing collection of ways to occupy my time when I can't find anyone else to hangout with or any other place to hangout. My next goal is to make some friends. There is a girl about my age on my intern committee. She enthusiastically said she would be happy to take me out with her friends. Sadly, I don't have her phone number or her last name. I'm hoping she calls me sometime before the next meeting in mid October.

Being at Ladro is also a way to avoid house work. Having added a bookcase and small side table to the house yesterday from a lady in the congregation, I now have pine needles and dirt all over the floor. Though I must say I am very excited to have my books out on display and a really cute table on which to put my pine scented candle. The living room looks a tiny bit more like my style now. THAT is what "energizes my spirit."

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

What This Place Will Do To You

Tonight I sat working on my sermon for this Sunday. I had been racking my brain all afternoon to find the point of the text and how to turn that into a good direction for the sermon. Around 10pm I was starving. Upon entering the kitchen I remembered that I had little with which to work in my cabinets. After checking each shelf I came across a can of black beans and a jar of cheese salsa. Suddenly the lightbulb turned on and I knew what I was craving. I spent the next half hour chowing down on black beans, cheese salsa and tortilla chips. Oh it was gloriously delicious!!

Monday, September 17, 2007

The Backdoor of the Welcome Wagon

Tonight I met my intern committee. There are some interesting people on it. One guy has traveled to 52 different countries. Some he’s flown to, some he’s sailed to on his own. The people range from one roughly my age to someone in their 70-80s. I’m looking forward to getting to know each of them, where they’ve come from and where they are at in life now. I’ve had to get used to being by myself. Partly because you just need to be okay being by yourself. Partly because I like to hide and protect myself from the messiness and stress of other people. Talking with the group tonight reminded me afresh that life is not all about me and what I do and know. Life is about connections, relationships and community. Without support and help from each other, we end up with a warped, inward gazing view of life. It’s the people around me who turn me inside out. Who help cut the ties that bind me up. Who help peel the scales from my eyes. I wouldn’t be here without them and they wouldn’t be here without me.

Being on your own has a way of making you wonder who will take care of you if you don’t or can’t. Who will watch the back door of your life? Who will be there to support you when you screw up, get hurt and leave a trail of wreckage where you’ve been? I know I can’t do it all and I can’t solve every problem. What makes me think I have to try? I guess this world brings that out in people. If you aren’t on top of your game, someone else will take your place. After all, we are expendable and replaceable. And how do I trust other people to not hurt me in turn? How do I know that they will take care of me?

Tonight on the TV I saw a commercial for the show Journeyman. It’s about a guy who travels back in time and changes history for the better. The guy says “What if I get it wrong?” and one of his partners says “You will. That’s part of it.” So…kyrie eleison.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Hot Stuff

Today I helped co-lead the Sunday services. This morning at 7:30am it seemed as though this was going to be an insurmountable task. I was opting for death instead of “death in the pulpit” as one of my professors refers to it. Difficult as I thought it would be, I had to do surprisingly little. I’m not even sure what I was so freaked out about this morning. As soon as I started speaking and realized that I was doing fine, I calmed down. I suppose part of it is that I’m still not 100%--maybe about 75% at best. Normally leading worship wouldn’t be such an overwhelming task. It’s not like I haven’t done it before and even at strange places where I know no one.

After the first one, things went smoothly. Well, except for one of the communion servers missing at the 9am service and the acolyte’s light blowing out at the start of the 10:30am service and having to fill in for the assistant to collect the offering plates and during communion because she was singing at both times. So we had a little bit of everything today it seems. I just wish it wasn’t so hot in the sanctuary. They keep it at about 77F. It’s down right tropical in there!! Either I’m trying not to fall asleep or not to sweat to death and pass out. Those robes are like wool blankets!

Baking Mishap

This afternoon I am off to a “meet and greet” picnic with the pastors in the surrounding area. Apparently they want to meet the new people. Paul informs me that I am invited. I decided to go with a pan of brownies as my contribution. They were supposed to be caramel swirl.

Brownie lesson #1: When the box says knead the packet, the box means it.

What was supposed to swirls ended up being caramel glops. From what I can tell, a few people will get mostly caramel and others will get mostly brownie. At least they’ll taste good…heh heh heh.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Leaning Back

I’m feeling a little better today (maybe the endorphins are kicking in?) which is nice for a change. The trip out here was so stressful and exhausting. Apparently it made me sicker than I realized. Once I stopped moving and grooving it all hit me like buckets. I haven’t been myself for the last 2 weeks. Great way to make a first impression at internship. That’s where the story gets interesting.

When I called Paul on the trip to check in and let him know what time I’d be arriving to move in, he made a promise to me that he, the staff and the congregation would take care of me and to not worry about being stressed about the rocky trip I’d had coming here. While I heard his words, I didn’t really take much note of them. Nice sentiment, but I figured I would have to manage on my own as usual. Turns out, he was dead serious. Owing to my temporary insanity on account of stress and suppression of feelings/events, I could barely concentrate on normal details like names or what I’d be doing in the next couple of hours. I kept trying to keep it together this last week, but to no avail. Unable to betray my feelings any longer, I let slip my fear in a side comment to Paul. Talking helped, but once you open the door a crack, it all comes flooding out. This weekend has been rough.

I was scheduled to attend a training session for Neighbors in Need on Saturday at 8am (church program to hand out vouchers for local people who need support when weekly services are closed). I sat while Eileen (one of the pastors at the church) explained the program and talked about what the volunteers would be doing on a weekly basis. The whole thing made me uncomfortable and very nauseous. When the time came for people to start showing up, I had to bail or risk having a panic attack. So I told Eileen I was freaked out and left. I walked back to the house and hid under my blanket until I fell asleep. Just before 11am the doorbell rang. I was wondering if Eileen would stop by to check on me when they were done at the church. Turns out it was Paul (whom Eileen had phoned). We talked for a while. Few people in my life have been as gracious as Paul was/is. He told me that I was doing remarkably well for all the transitions I was going through. There was no need to try and manufacture a good front or to push myself beyond what I could handle for the time being. All I needed to do was to be whoever I was at that time; even if that meant broken, messed up, not A-game material, damaged and even a little crazy. There was plenty of time and space to heal and get better. Schedules could be adjusted. All I needed to do was to tell him (Paul) what I needed—it would be taken care of—and to lean back into God’s grace. I stared blankly with tear filled eyes. No one has ever allowed me such freedom. I didn’t deserve it and I certainly hadn’t earned it. But then again, I am apparently living with a congregation that understands Kingdom life better than many places I’ve been.

So here I sit typing this out in an effort to relax and heal. I’m not 100% by any means. The issue now will be to resist the temptation to rush ahead as I start to feel better. Guess I need to do some rehab…heh heh. I’m breathing and that’s good. Letting go and leaning back has never been my strong suit; especially when it feels like your stony heart is being cut out. Sure, it may be defective and damaged, but it’s the only heart you have. All I know is that I’m in the right place (a place where the Word can go to work on me) and God is set on working miracles in the year that I have to spend here. In good time I will be moved again to faith. Until then, I’m just trying to breathe.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Falling Water

Today I traveled to a near by state park with a series of waterfalls. I got the chance to try out my new hiking bag which was fun. The hike was quite strenuous. It was 3 miles to the Upper Falls at the end of the trail. I found the place online, but apparently in WA they don’t detail information about the parks and trails like other states. The hike was a bit much for my first one, but seeing as I had no way to know…

It was good exercise. I’ve been so antsy and needed to get out for a while now. It’s frustrating not having internet access at the house; makes looking things up a chore. I have to plan a list of things to look up at work (when I’m busy doing things—or at least supposed to be) or I have to make an effort to pack up my things and go to the café across the street. Not a bad place to be, but it can get really noisy and then I feel like I need to buy something each time I go. Also not a travesty because the place is really cool, they use fair trade supplies and it’s a fun place to hang out. It’s the annoyance of having to plan the time to go there.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Formal Lament

God, what are you doing? What is your Word up to? I know and trust you must be doing something, but what? Creation groans and its cries pierce my soul. But what can I say that will matter? What can I do that will help? Do I not just become another sacrificial lamb bled to your glory? I thought you sought broken hearts and not burnt offerings? And what of me? What about those who are seriously in pain and far more deeply troubled than I? How long oh Lord, how long? When will we see you do glory and justice? When will your fire rain down and consume the chaff? I know, it requires my old life. But what kind of life is this that allows families to be divided and people to beat senselessly on each other and your Word to go unheard? You promised your Word would not return to you empty, so what are you doing God?