Leaning Back

I’m feeling a little better today (maybe the endorphins are kicking in?) which is nice for a change. The trip out here was so stressful and exhausting. Apparently it made me sicker than I realized. Once I stopped moving and grooving it all hit me like buckets. I haven’t been myself for the last 2 weeks. Great way to make a first impression at internship. That’s where the story gets interesting.

When I called Paul on the trip to check in and let him know what time I’d be arriving to move in, he made a promise to me that he, the staff and the congregation would take care of me and to not worry about being stressed about the rocky trip I’d had coming here. While I heard his words, I didn’t really take much note of them. Nice sentiment, but I figured I would have to manage on my own as usual. Turns out, he was dead serious. Owing to my temporary insanity on account of stress and suppression of feelings/events, I could barely concentrate on normal details like names or what I’d be doing in the next couple of hours. I kept trying to keep it together this last week, but to no avail. Unable to betray my feelings any longer, I let slip my fear in a side comment to Paul. Talking helped, but once you open the door a crack, it all comes flooding out. This weekend has been rough.

I was scheduled to attend a training session for Neighbors in Need on Saturday at 8am (church program to hand out vouchers for local people who need support when weekly services are closed). I sat while Eileen (one of the pastors at the church) explained the program and talked about what the volunteers would be doing on a weekly basis. The whole thing made me uncomfortable and very nauseous. When the time came for people to start showing up, I had to bail or risk having a panic attack. So I told Eileen I was freaked out and left. I walked back to the house and hid under my blanket until I fell asleep. Just before 11am the doorbell rang. I was wondering if Eileen would stop by to check on me when they were done at the church. Turns out it was Paul (whom Eileen had phoned). We talked for a while. Few people in my life have been as gracious as Paul was/is. He told me that I was doing remarkably well for all the transitions I was going through. There was no need to try and manufacture a good front or to push myself beyond what I could handle for the time being. All I needed to do was to be whoever I was at that time; even if that meant broken, messed up, not A-game material, damaged and even a little crazy. There was plenty of time and space to heal and get better. Schedules could be adjusted. All I needed to do was to tell him (Paul) what I needed—it would be taken care of—and to lean back into God’s grace. I stared blankly with tear filled eyes. No one has ever allowed me such freedom. I didn’t deserve it and I certainly hadn’t earned it. But then again, I am apparently living with a congregation that understands Kingdom life better than many places I’ve been.

So here I sit typing this out in an effort to relax and heal. I’m not 100% by any means. The issue now will be to resist the temptation to rush ahead as I start to feel better. Guess I need to do some rehab…heh heh. I’m breathing and that’s good. Letting go and leaning back has never been my strong suit; especially when it feels like your stony heart is being cut out. Sure, it may be defective and damaged, but it’s the only heart you have. All I know is that I’m in the right place (a place where the Word can go to work on me) and God is set on working miracles in the year that I have to spend here. In good time I will be moved again to faith. Until then, I’m just trying to breathe.