Song of my heart

It's been a crazy weekend. So much has happend in just this one day. I've gone from bored to unrested to giddy to ridiculous to anxious to insane and now just plain dumbfoundedness. Is that what life really is? A series of random emotions like a roller coaster from your favorite theme park? Clearly the ride never ends. You don't seem to have the option of getting off--well I guess there are some ways, but I'm not taking them. And after a while you come to expect some of the twists and turns, but simultaneously they hit you new and fresh each time. Like the rush of the roller coaster it's thrilling, breath taking and fear instilling all at the same time. I love to hate it and yet it's energizing. Just when I get a glimmer of light, like this afternoon--huge breakthrough in connecting with God--the dark clouds come plowing in and sudden downpour ensues. The kind of rain that no matter what you do in trying to get to a dry place (like say home) you will not reach it without getting soaked. Naturally the rain comes as an immediate response to your instantaneously fragile self created by the light. So is it punishment? I'd like to think not. Cleansing? Then why do I feel all dirty? Renewing? I'm wiped out in anxiety. Just life? Well that sucks.

I'm heartbroken
I'm torn in two
Into bits that used to resemble you
I'm crashing down
I'm buring fast
What made me think this time would last?

I walk away
Lost again
If love's a crime then no one wins
Doors have opened up
You walked through
But every time I('ll) still miss you

You know people talk a lot about the heart, but I don't think we really get it. I know I don't. All I ever get is mystery and swirling emotion. That's the heart. Not a concept to be grasped, but a container which holds a vast assortment of occurrences--things that happen to you. They get stored there and become a part of you. Except, they never solidify. The heart is liquid, amorphous and dynamic. And this is what we judge so many thoughts, feelings, reactions and the like out of?

Late Night Surfing

It's late at night and I feel the need to update my blog, but I'm not sure what exactly I want to write. It's been a crazy week but a very sedate and mundane one as well. A week full of the banalities of daily life. Right now I'm talking with Libby and we're having a blast. Who wouldn't at 2:30am? For now, at least, life is okay.

I'm in the middle of ......well now I've been distracted and I have no clue what I was in the middle of. So now I'm in the middle of the middle of something. In the process of typing this I have again gotten myself waist deep in the middle of something else that wasn't the thing before, but has now plunged all thought toward this new thing I'm in the middle of. Since I'm stuck there, I'll have to work on this later. It's the kind of place where the only way to unstick yourself is by sleeping or emotionally crashing.

Another Year

Wow. Birthdays. So it was this Friday. I kept wondering what I was going to do. My parents couldn't make it out this weekend. The first time I think they've ever missed celebrating my birthday. It was strange. Most of my friends are on internship, etc. or are in other states. I kept remembering last year's birthday and how fun that was. Ice cream cake with (2 lactose intolerants) a former museum curator, a true British guy, a previous lawyer and a surfer. Course when I put it that way it sounds insane, but it was truly one of the most memorable I've ever had. They were sweet. They thought of me.

You know with a summer birhtday you're the runt. School always ends before your birthday. They either forget to celebrate it or they cram it in with the rest of the summer people. You never have many (if any) friends around to celebrate because everyone's on vacation. Your birthday is never special and never stands out. Except to those who love you. Which in that respect makes it special. With a summer birthday, the people who truly care most about you remember and are the ones who show up in some form; even if it's only by card or phone. Sure, in person is better, but runts don't get to be choosers. Runts are accepters--occasionally of some of the greatest gifts in the world.

At least this year I wasn't alone. That would have been the pits. Though I did have a small back up plan in case I ended up that way. Instead, Kelly and I toured a garage sale, hit the liquor store, browsed Target, watched Good Night and Good Luck for free and finally watched The Thomas Crown Affair while having some drinks. Strong ones mind you. They didn't beat a fresh gin and tonic made by one of my good friends or a mojito British style, but they sufficed. Even allowed me to put my drink mixing book to use.

And so turns another page in history. The close of one year and the beginning of another. Time marches on in an ever slow and cool fashion. I wouldn't have guessed I'd end up here. "But here is where I live and so I guess that means the carrot's gonna dangle for at least" who knows how long.