Song of my heart

It's been a crazy weekend. So much has happend in just this one day. I've gone from bored to unrested to giddy to ridiculous to anxious to insane and now just plain dumbfoundedness. Is that what life really is? A series of random emotions like a roller coaster from your favorite theme park? Clearly the ride never ends. You don't seem to have the option of getting off--well I guess there are some ways, but I'm not taking them. And after a while you come to expect some of the twists and turns, but simultaneously they hit you new and fresh each time. Like the rush of the roller coaster it's thrilling, breath taking and fear instilling all at the same time. I love to hate it and yet it's energizing. Just when I get a glimmer of light, like this afternoon--huge breakthrough in connecting with God--the dark clouds come plowing in and sudden downpour ensues. The kind of rain that no matter what you do in trying to get to a dry place (like say home) you will not reach it without getting soaked. Naturally the rain comes as an immediate response to your instantaneously fragile self created by the light. So is it punishment? I'd like to think not. Cleansing? Then why do I feel all dirty? Renewing? I'm wiped out in anxiety. Just life? Well that sucks.

I'm heartbroken
I'm torn in two
Into bits that used to resemble you
I'm crashing down
I'm buring fast
What made me think this time would last?

I walk away
Lost again
If love's a crime then no one wins
Doors have opened up
You walked through
But every time I('ll) still miss you

You know people talk a lot about the heart, but I don't think we really get it. I know I don't. All I ever get is mystery and swirling emotion. That's the heart. Not a concept to be grasped, but a container which holds a vast assortment of occurrences--things that happen to you. They get stored there and become a part of you. Except, they never solidify. The heart is liquid, amorphous and dynamic. And this is what we judge so many thoughts, feelings, reactions and the like out of?