Disappointment abounds

I've been too disappointed with life to update this lately. I finally got my resume submitted for a job last week. It took two months for that to happen. But I was hopeful that I'd at least get an interview from it. Today the call came from the staffing company that they "liked my resume but that they were not going to offer me an interview because I had not worked in the chemistry field for 3 years."

I'm crushed. I really expected an interview. I suspect most companies will do the same thing. They will disregard me because I didn't get a job right out of college. How am I ever going to get a job? The one I have right now doesn't pay rent. How long am I supposed to wait? I can't wait too much longer before I have trouble finding housing since I don't have any money. Who would have thought that homelessness would actually be a reality for some day. How long will it be before another opportunity comes my way? Would that I had tried for that night shift job in May that I knew I would hate. Would have been money at least.

Everyone keeps asking me how the job search is going. I guess now I at least have something to tell them. Most of all I feel sorry for having wasted the time of those praying for me. I hate to cast doubt into the hearts of others, but doubt is the one thing of which I have a stockpiled reserve. No fear of that running out any time soon. How disappointing that the only thing I have to offer others is emptiness and void.

I cannot make any sense of this. I have no words to even question with. It is unexplainable and incomprehensible. Yet it is all perfectly clear what happened. Is this God's vindictive way of showing me I'm supposed to stay in seminary and get my MDiv? That my life in chemistry/biology is officially over? Wicked awful way to get the point across. And of all things, why should this tactic convince me? I don't think that this is true, but I have no other options for interpretation. I have not the eyes to see nor the spirit to believe. I feel as though I know nothing about living life. I don't understand what it is apparently and what I have been told and taught up to now has all been lies. Kindly spoken, well meant, but untruth all the same. Oh that I had been strong enough to crush my fears and gotten a job after college. That I had just joined the ranks of this world like a good soldier, but I couldn't. Fear among other things prevented me from taking that road. This is a sad and worthless way to live life. I have nothing. I have become a hollow, chocolate Easter bunny. Like chocolate does, its sugary sweetness is quickly dissolved and digested. Nice, sweet and decorative on the outside. Empty on the inside.