From the Inside Out

For those of you who've been keeping track, Ben, Kirstin and Raider have now moved from Houston, TX to Valparaiso, IN into a hospice center. Ben is doing well without a breathing tube and they are comfortable and together as a family in the center.

The grief and injustice of Ben's situation has naturally brought to light questions about life and death. Since I've been so stressed lately with classes, work and all other varieties of little things that require my attention, I've taken the last few nights off from reading for history and just crashed. Took an hour nap each afternoon/evening and watched lots of TV/DVDs.

Needless to say Ben's situation has tossed me into deep existential waters. So here's what's been on my mind.
1) We really are just one whole being (body and soul) as the Hebrew scriptures testify. So when we die, like Paulson said in Jesus the Savior class, we wait in our graves until we are raised at the last day [for do we not deserve to wait as sinners and betrayers for the fullness of God's grace?). I still have a hard time stomaching this, but it makes more sense than a divided body/soul (thanks so much Greek philosophy). And who's to say what "in Christ" will look or be like after death [especially when I'm already in Christ now for certain as a baptized child--is this true for all creation because of the work Jesus did on the cross??]?

2) The greater issue at hand for me is the intensity on life now which this situation forces. We only get one life and one chance to live. There are no do overs or dress rehearsals. As a perfectionist and one so deeply in love with God, I dread disappointing God. Part of me says "You're gonna fail because you're human and imperfect. God will still forgive." But it feels like it's a trite saying because what we do is so grieving to God (when we screw up and hurt others or cause pain/division in the world).

• So is it true that God's forgiveness goes beyond disappointment, grief, hurt and the shortfalls we do/cause?
• Can God be so grieved and yet still wipe his hurt/grief away out of love for us?

Then I look at the rock Paul gave me on internship. Tangible, baptismal proof that God loves me ANYWAY no matter what. So it must be true, but I need to hear it.

3) My other worry is about stress and life. Is this the normal amount of stress most pastors endure on a day to day basis? If so, how will I ever survive? Perhaps this is just a crisis moment or perhaps senior year at seminary is more intense than congregational life.

My prayer tonight was sung through the words of a praise song entitled Inside Out by Hillsong United. You can find it on YouTube with lyrics in case you are inspired to sing along. May it bring your soul healing should you find yourself in a theological hurricane like me.

Flying By

Did you ever get the feeling that life is just slipping through your fingers like water?? That's been my week so far and it's only Wednesday. Sure I'm still adapting to a new schedule and a new semester of classes, but can I hit the pause button for just a few hours or half a day? When do I get the chance to not feel like I NEED to be doing something so that I can just rest?

Today was supposed to be that for me. I did get to sleep in, but then almost missed getting to chapel in time to help with communion like I'd volunteered. This involved running up the hill to the chapel and feeling all gross and sweaty. Then I ran off to discipleship to do the opening ritual for the session because I felt compelled/called to do so last week. It went really well. I co-opted Paul's idea about the anyway stone as a reminder of baptism and God's promises combined with some scripture and an awesome baptismal/flood prayer I used for a double baptism in the Puget Sound last year.

Then I ended up not meeting with my professor (who incidentally disappeared into thin air--I think it was a faculty meeting, but I like the first version better), read a chapter of history, did a bunch of e-mail/online things, learned about my ED II class and how I can't supply preach that Sunday because I MUST be at all parts for full credit, and tried to read for my Christ in Asia class, but someone had already checked out the book. I know, it sounds like I didn't actually plan on this being a "me" day. That's my whole point. Life is just coming too fast lately to take a breath.

Now as I head home I need to hit the bookstore to check on prices for my ED II class, still have 2 chapters more of history to read (this starts a new book now) and maybe then I might get to rest.

One thing is for sure. No matter how much reading I need to do I am going to do some exercise when I get home with my beloved balance ball. The stress in my shoulders must go somewhere outside of me.

Rest the Body, Challenge the Mind

From Missoula, MT Karen and I drove to Bismarck, ND. We headed out around 10:30am and drove through some more of the Rocky Mountains. It was not quite as picturesque as I remember it on the drive out. We saw loads of hills that had black sticks of trees which had been burned years before and were just starting to grow the grass and small plant life back amongst the black toothpick trunks. Karen was a bit drowsy from the dramamine so we enjoyed some singing from the CDs I burned for the trip and the very dry scenery--beautiful in its own way and harshness.

We reached Billings, MT for a lunch and bathroom break. From there Karen drove to Miles City, MT while I napped and flinched in the passenger seat. Apparently my light sleep kept me twitching at strange moments. It was so relaxing to rest and not be driving. Miles City brought us an excellent stopping place where we paused to get coffee from Starbucks and wander around Target to stretch our legs. It's nice to know that there are a few reliable comforts like Starbucks and Target which are easily found when you are crossing the country. I checked in with my parents and let them know we were still alive and making great time. They found it amusing that we were in Target, but that's just what Karen and I do to destress--retail therapy; even if we don't buy anything.

I took over driving again until we reached Bismark, ND. For most of this part of the drive Karen wasn't feeling well and I was contemplating if I needed to find a hospital with an ER at one of the exits we were passing. Fortunately she started to improve. As we made our travel into the evening hours of the day, Karen read from A Formula for Parish Practice by Timothy J. Wengert and we discussed articles 1 and 7 of the Formula of Concord. Driving is an excellent time to discuss theology I must say. Who better to speculate and muse with than my cohort in theology? We tackled what suffering is/not and whether it was in the Garden of Eden pre-Genesis 3 or not. We debated if one could take communion without being baptized and what that did to baptism's place in the life of the church. How often should communion be taken, what qualities should the one leading communion have if any, what makes one worthy to receive it and what do you do with the leftovers? How is Christ present in the Lord's Supper and how does that shape your view of Christian doctrine? There's really nothing better you can do with driving time than talk theology and balance it with singing great songs.

We pulled into Bismark, ND around midnight and got a good deal on a cheap hotel room. With a little wind down and snack time (props for meat treats of steak and bacon!!) we passed out for the night and dreamt of strange things that didn't make any sense, but proved for hilarious morning conversation.