From the Inside Out

For those of you who've been keeping track, Ben, Kirstin and Raider have now moved from Houston, TX to Valparaiso, IN into a hospice center. Ben is doing well without a breathing tube and they are comfortable and together as a family in the center.

The grief and injustice of Ben's situation has naturally brought to light questions about life and death. Since I've been so stressed lately with classes, work and all other varieties of little things that require my attention, I've taken the last few nights off from reading for history and just crashed. Took an hour nap each afternoon/evening and watched lots of TV/DVDs.

Needless to say Ben's situation has tossed me into deep existential waters. So here's what's been on my mind.
1) We really are just one whole being (body and soul) as the Hebrew scriptures testify. So when we die, like Paulson said in Jesus the Savior class, we wait in our graves until we are raised at the last day [for do we not deserve to wait as sinners and betrayers for the fullness of God's grace?). I still have a hard time stomaching this, but it makes more sense than a divided body/soul (thanks so much Greek philosophy). And who's to say what "in Christ" will look or be like after death [especially when I'm already in Christ now for certain as a baptized child--is this true for all creation because of the work Jesus did on the cross??]?

2) The greater issue at hand for me is the intensity on life now which this situation forces. We only get one life and one chance to live. There are no do overs or dress rehearsals. As a perfectionist and one so deeply in love with God, I dread disappointing God. Part of me says "You're gonna fail because you're human and imperfect. God will still forgive." But it feels like it's a trite saying because what we do is so grieving to God (when we screw up and hurt others or cause pain/division in the world).

• So is it true that God's forgiveness goes beyond disappointment, grief, hurt and the shortfalls we do/cause?
• Can God be so grieved and yet still wipe his hurt/grief away out of love for us?

Then I look at the rock Paul gave me on internship. Tangible, baptismal proof that God loves me ANYWAY no matter what. So it must be true, but I need to hear it.

3) My other worry is about stress and life. Is this the normal amount of stress most pastors endure on a day to day basis? If so, how will I ever survive? Perhaps this is just a crisis moment or perhaps senior year at seminary is more intense than congregational life.

My prayer tonight was sung through the words of a praise song entitled Inside Out by Hillsong United. You can find it on YouTube with lyrics in case you are inspired to sing along. May it bring your soul healing should you find yourself in a theological hurricane like me.

The Good Hurt

Relationships are tricky things. What amazes me the most is how dependent human beings are on relationships with others and yet how temporal most relationships actually are. As kids we begin to learn how to relate to other people in good and bad ways through positive and negative experiences. These are the lessons we internalize deep within us whether we realize it or not. We are capable of inflicting great harm or creating immeasurable strength through the ways we relate to one another. Growing up, I had people who were very close to me abandon me and wound me. So losing people or saying goodbye or ending relationships has not been a positive experience for me. When the topic comes up and it personally relates to me, I cringe like an abused animal that hides in the corner for fear of the next blow. There are 2 responses:
1) Lash out in defensive anger
2) Say and do nothing

As I only have 2.5 months left in my internship at Trinity, it's time to be thinking about saying goodbye. I cringe as I read that sentence. I am also navigating the distance from my supervisor as he is on sabbatical for the last 3 months of my internship. It's bittersweet as I learn to fly on my own, but it's a form of goodbye and it's a precursor to the end of August. Apparently the way my brain is choosing to express all this emotional turmoil is by crying--a lot.

Psalm 30.5 reminds me that "weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes with the morning." Well there's been plenty of weeping for many nights, so my question is: When is the morning coming? The other thought floating in my head as I wait in this in-between time of almost done but not yet is that maybe the writer meant "mourning." I know, that's a cheap slip on the English translation and doesn't even begin to address the Hebrew in which the verse was written. But doesn't it make you wonder? Maybe the joy we experience through weeping actually does come in and through the mourning. Now that I've looked at the Hebrew, joy can also be translated "cry of lamentation, moaning."

Any respectable theologian (apparently) would not bother to read and especially not quote Matthew Henry because his interpretations are so archaic. Well count me in the non-respectable pile with the sinners as I give you some words to ponder from Matthew Henry.
"as sure as the light of the morning returns after the darkness of the night, so sure will joy and comfort return in a short time, in due time, to the people of God; for the covenant of grace is as firm as the covenant of the day."

The part that resonated with me was "in due time." The morning comes in God's time. We also know that God does not tarry, is right on time and is faithful to deliver on God's promises. That's why weeping, mourning, grieving becomes the good hurt. Before I wander into the corner of theodicy and whether God created suffering or not, let me just say that God experienced and knows the depths of what suffering is through the death of Christ on the cross. God understands the in-between time of weeping and morning. So I guess no matter how long the night endures, God is there in the dark with you--and me. That's some of the best good news and grace I've ever heard--even though my soul is still rent open and the tears keep flowing.