From the Inside Out

For those of you who've been keeping track, Ben, Kirstin and Raider have now moved from Houston, TX to Valparaiso, IN into a hospice center. Ben is doing well without a breathing tube and they are comfortable and together as a family in the center.

The grief and injustice of Ben's situation has naturally brought to light questions about life and death. Since I've been so stressed lately with classes, work and all other varieties of little things that require my attention, I've taken the last few nights off from reading for history and just crashed. Took an hour nap each afternoon/evening and watched lots of TV/DVDs.

Needless to say Ben's situation has tossed me into deep existential waters. So here's what's been on my mind.
1) We really are just one whole being (body and soul) as the Hebrew scriptures testify. So when we die, like Paulson said in Jesus the Savior class, we wait in our graves until we are raised at the last day [for do we not deserve to wait as sinners and betrayers for the fullness of God's grace?). I still have a hard time stomaching this, but it makes more sense than a divided body/soul (thanks so much Greek philosophy). And who's to say what "in Christ" will look or be like after death [especially when I'm already in Christ now for certain as a baptized child--is this true for all creation because of the work Jesus did on the cross??]?

2) The greater issue at hand for me is the intensity on life now which this situation forces. We only get one life and one chance to live. There are no do overs or dress rehearsals. As a perfectionist and one so deeply in love with God, I dread disappointing God. Part of me says "You're gonna fail because you're human and imperfect. God will still forgive." But it feels like it's a trite saying because what we do is so grieving to God (when we screw up and hurt others or cause pain/division in the world).

• So is it true that God's forgiveness goes beyond disappointment, grief, hurt and the shortfalls we do/cause?
• Can God be so grieved and yet still wipe his hurt/grief away out of love for us?

Then I look at the rock Paul gave me on internship. Tangible, baptismal proof that God loves me ANYWAY no matter what. So it must be true, but I need to hear it.

3) My other worry is about stress and life. Is this the normal amount of stress most pastors endure on a day to day basis? If so, how will I ever survive? Perhaps this is just a crisis moment or perhaps senior year at seminary is more intense than congregational life.

My prayer tonight was sung through the words of a praise song entitled Inside Out by Hillsong United. You can find it on YouTube with lyrics in case you are inspired to sing along. May it bring your soul healing should you find yourself in a theological hurricane like me.