Inappropriate Computer Lab Etiquette

Apparently I have this problem with being inappropriate in the computer lab. Like it's not okay to blurt out "Deck the Reindeer with Frosty the Snowman O Christmas Tree!"

Or to laugh hysterically while it's quiet enough to hear a pin drop.

Or to snort really loudly.

Or to laugh to yourself uncontrollably.

You get my drift.

Random Comments While Shopping

Running to Target:

I feel like a duck waddling.
What? Hahhahahaha!
I smell fried chicken. Where's the chicken? Take me to the chicken!

On the Way Out:
Remember when I got stuck by the door?
No.
Yeah, you had the cart or maybe I had the cart and then I pushed the cart out but the door closed on me anyway and I got stuck. Then you stood there laughing hysterically while I was almost mangled by the sliding doors.
Oh yeah. That was REALLY funny!!!

Apology

I apologize for that last blog barf. Sorry.

Playing Cards with Jesus

Doesn't that sound like something for spring cleaning? I thought so to until recently. Apparently it's far more applicable than I knew.

Have you ever found yourself at a crossroads and stood there motionless (lifeless in a sense) because you didn't know what to do or where to go? Sounds like something from Alice in Wonderland. Well maybe I am.

Enough cryptic phrases and on to the meat.

I'm in love. No, it's not what you think. There's no boyfriend in the picture. I'm not living in a fantasy world, though I am on the edge of reason (thanks Bridget Jones). Life has been completely redefined for me. I no longer know who I am because I have died. There is no more me.
"Then who is typing?" you ask.
Well that would be me.
"But I thought you died?"
I did.
"Then who, or rather, what are you?"
Good question. I am in Christ.
"Not the Jesus card again."
It's the only one I have left to play. I gave him all my cards and he gave me all of his. I gave him an awful hand too, but his were all winners. Turns out his cards come in three kinds--FOS, RFD and LE**. I didn't get a chance to actually announce my triumphant win because he already ended the game. He lost before I could win.
"You're crazy. Some cosmic card game killed you? What the heck are you talking about?!? Oh, and by the way, you are past the edge of insanity."
I know. It didn't make sense to me either until I breathed my first breath of fresh air. I finally experienced what everybody keeps talking about when they "The old has gone. Behold everything has become new. (II Cor. 5:17)" I couldn't explain it then and I still barely have words for it now. All I know is that he loved me first before I could understand it, want it or even like it. It's made all the difference in the world. I died that day (longer than just one day, but effective for dramatic purposes). And something new began. I didn't have anything to do with it. It just happened. While I'm ever so grateful, it freaks me out.
"Right. NOW you're freaked out."
No really, I am. Cause this whole new thing that's grown or taken over or whatever you want to call it is scary and foreign from everything that I used to know. It doesn't play by the rules. It doesn't have rules. The rule book doesn't have any value now. So I'm not sure what to do now. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm me, but I'm not me because now I'm in Christ. The me I used to know is like this little gremlin on my leg that I keep dragging around. I'm just not sure what to do with myself now.
"Look, if you're in this "Jesus" person now, then who is he?"
Well I kinda know, but I'm not sure if all of that applies to me. Cause I'm him, but I'm still me--sort of.
"What do you know?"
He was a preacher. He hung out with people a lot--all the time. He gave quippy, witty answers that most people didn't understand. He loved everybody he met--not all mushy, gushy, but beyond that. He loved them because of who he is. I guess that's all I've got.
"Well that's something to start with anyway. So are you any of those things?"
Kind of. It doesn't exactly work that way I don't think. I don't really become them because I already am them in Christ.
"Wow. That was a nice circle you just wrote."
Thanks. It's true though. Anyway, to answer your question, I'm kind of a preacher. I don't like people, but I do feel incredibly obligated to be out there in the world telling people about what Jesus does. I guess it's because of what he's done to/for me; because I love him. It's weird. I like to have reasons for why I do things--still do. So I guess my reason is love. Great reason, but it's somehow different than doing something because you owe somebody or because you feel obligated to do it. I can't figure that part out. That's part of the reason why I'm stuck. I don't know what it is to live in/out of love. I only know how to live by the rules that prescribe how things are supposed to take place.

** forgiveness of sins, resurrection from the dead and life eternal

Memoirs of Discernment

One is not enough and two is too many.
Hot dogs come in 10 and buns come in 8.
There's always a winner and a loser.

Isn't that the story of life? Inevitably, something doesn't fit/match up or there are left overs.
Why? Is it a conspiracy? A tactful marketing technique? Or perhaps, it is one of the defining characteristics of humanity to never be able to make two ends meet.

I'm having a hard time dividing myself and the only other option is to divide Christ. Which I cannot and do not want to do. So I can only hope that when I am finally worn out on holding off the sword of the Spirit that's coming at me, I will be ready to be divided. See, I can't make the ends meet. Life is lived on a line, not in a circle. Experience tells us this. You never happen upon the exact same place, situation, person (?) in life. Something, even very tiny, is always different and has changed.

There are no "two for one" deals in life. To have to choose is to lose. And to, therefore, become a loser. Either it's one thing or nothing. Something must always be left behind when a choice is made. For example, choosing one job path over another. Or what to take with you on a trip. I know, I'm speaking in absolutes. Perhaps they are a bit extreme for you. But, are you the kind of person who would rather settle for something that seems perfect or for something that is perfect? Maybe perfect is still too strong for you. How about right? (darn, there's the law again!) Or fits best? (a little idealistic and theoretical.) Or uses the most talents you have? (now we're being consequential.) Or you could say there is no one right answer or all answers are right. (pluralistic and relativistic are we?)

Are you beginning to see what I mean? If choosing is losing, even if it is a small something we lose, will we ever end up with anything? Or is life just a process of slowly dropping bits of yourself and your possessions as bread crumbs along the trail--a testament to where and who you have been, yet never describing who you are now? If choosing is losing, can we ever win? Not by the world's standards. In this world, something must always be cut off and divided away. To choose then means to lose everything. What kind of winner is the person who has nothing (in this world)? [is it the world's standards or God's??? feels like i'm mixing thoughts.] By the world's standards, they would be no winner at all. He who dies with the MOST toys wins, not with the FEWEST or NO toys.

And so we are caught between the grip of sin and the grip of grace. Both hold us as our mingled saint and sinner selves. The only option is for us to be divided. For one to lose and one to win. For one to die and one to rise. (There is still no other way.) As these words are being spoken, it is already happening. You are being divided. You are being chosen and part of you is being lost.

What's right and what's wrong?

I have a job offer. I've begged for this kind of opportunity because I thought it's what I wanted. I want to be able to have a real job and to make money so I can support myself. I have this vision of wanting to be able to take care of myself. Not that it's a bad thing. I just wonder if maybe I'm going after it for the wrong reasons. To hide there behind my science mask instead of suffering publicly for the cross.

Will I be happy if I take this job? Probably not. Afterall, I will be leaving all my friends (not that I can't make new ones...), the cities that I've become accustomed to, and a 24-7 focus toward theology.
Does any job allow space for this? I don't know. Maybe they're not supposed to create space for happiness. Maybe that's why vocation is bearing the cross.
How does the fact that each day I sit here at the seminary in my Holy Spirit class I feel increasingly more pressed by the Gospel figure into my decision? Perhaps it should be tipping the scale.

I didn't ask for the Gospel to find me. Well maybe I did at some point. But I also didn't. Being located under the cross is painful and it's crushing me. Well the sinner in me anyway. Which is very adamant about trying to slip out from under the cross and sneaking away victoriously. I wish for this to happen, but it is not that for which I pray. No, I pray--rather beg--for my old ways to die and the new way to rise. Yet in such a foggy sky I am left in a quandary of questioning--WHAT?

You promised to save me, love me and lead me. So where the heck are we going?

Is there a right and a wrong in this choice? Will I choose SD and then find out in a year that I made the wrong choice? What then? Wouldn't that be committing scientifically professional suicide? What if there is no right and wrong? What if there are just directions (career speaking) and God gets glorified through them one way or another? Why then the impending sense of doom if I choose wrongly? Is there "more than one answer to these questions pointing me in a crooked line?" (from some song)

What if my greatest fear is still just failing and looking like an idiot--not measuring up to the law of perfection which I hold over myself? That still doesn't justify taking a great job just because it's on a silver platter in front of me does it? What if the problem is that I just don't trust God to make me into the preacher he promises to?

I know. I'll never be good enough as I measure myself with the law. But I can't help but measure myself. It's all I know how to do. I'm bound to it. Lord Jesus, set me free!!!!!!