Playing Cards with Jesus

Doesn't that sound like something for spring cleaning? I thought so to until recently. Apparently it's far more applicable than I knew.

Have you ever found yourself at a crossroads and stood there motionless (lifeless in a sense) because you didn't know what to do or where to go? Sounds like something from Alice in Wonderland. Well maybe I am.

Enough cryptic phrases and on to the meat.

I'm in love. No, it's not what you think. There's no boyfriend in the picture. I'm not living in a fantasy world, though I am on the edge of reason (thanks Bridget Jones). Life has been completely redefined for me. I no longer know who I am because I have died. There is no more me.
"Then who is typing?" you ask.
Well that would be me.
"But I thought you died?"
I did.
"Then who, or rather, what are you?"
Good question. I am in Christ.
"Not the Jesus card again."
It's the only one I have left to play. I gave him all my cards and he gave me all of his. I gave him an awful hand too, but his were all winners. Turns out his cards come in three kinds--FOS, RFD and LE**. I didn't get a chance to actually announce my triumphant win because he already ended the game. He lost before I could win.
"You're crazy. Some cosmic card game killed you? What the heck are you talking about?!? Oh, and by the way, you are past the edge of insanity."
I know. It didn't make sense to me either until I breathed my first breath of fresh air. I finally experienced what everybody keeps talking about when they "The old has gone. Behold everything has become new. (II Cor. 5:17)" I couldn't explain it then and I still barely have words for it now. All I know is that he loved me first before I could understand it, want it or even like it. It's made all the difference in the world. I died that day (longer than just one day, but effective for dramatic purposes). And something new began. I didn't have anything to do with it. It just happened. While I'm ever so grateful, it freaks me out.
"Right. NOW you're freaked out."
No really, I am. Cause this whole new thing that's grown or taken over or whatever you want to call it is scary and foreign from everything that I used to know. It doesn't play by the rules. It doesn't have rules. The rule book doesn't have any value now. So I'm not sure what to do now. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm me, but I'm not me because now I'm in Christ. The me I used to know is like this little gremlin on my leg that I keep dragging around. I'm just not sure what to do with myself now.
"Look, if you're in this "Jesus" person now, then who is he?"
Well I kinda know, but I'm not sure if all of that applies to me. Cause I'm him, but I'm still me--sort of.
"What do you know?"
He was a preacher. He hung out with people a lot--all the time. He gave quippy, witty answers that most people didn't understand. He loved everybody he met--not all mushy, gushy, but beyond that. He loved them because of who he is. I guess that's all I've got.
"Well that's something to start with anyway. So are you any of those things?"
Kind of. It doesn't exactly work that way I don't think. I don't really become them because I already am them in Christ.
"Wow. That was a nice circle you just wrote."
Thanks. It's true though. Anyway, to answer your question, I'm kind of a preacher. I don't like people, but I do feel incredibly obligated to be out there in the world telling people about what Jesus does. I guess it's because of what he's done to/for me; because I love him. It's weird. I like to have reasons for why I do things--still do. So I guess my reason is love. Great reason, but it's somehow different than doing something because you owe somebody or because you feel obligated to do it. I can't figure that part out. That's part of the reason why I'm stuck. I don't know what it is to live in/out of love. I only know how to live by the rules that prescribe how things are supposed to take place.

** forgiveness of sins, resurrection from the dead and life eternal