Evening Musings

One of my last shifts of Thankathon. Sad in a way. It's actually a job I like. Supervising is fun--at least for Thankathon. I am missing a presentation tonight that promised to be good: Grace Over Karma--Theology of the Cross & U2, Ministry and Culture. Sounds like a great title right? I'm sending my roommate instead. Don't think I coerced her. She wanted to go anyway. Despite what she may say :)

I wish I had a direction for my thesis. Well I do, just no argument. I keep conveniently putting it off too because it takes so much brain power to come up with an argument. I wish I had an advisor who would give insight. Or a mentor who would shed light on my dark little life.

I'm in a comfortable chair though. It has a squishy seat and a high back. Makes me feel like I'm in a big castle and the people come into the room, do their job and leave. Like quiet servants. The more untraceable they are, the more they are appreciated. Not vocally or outwardly, but secretly in the back of the master's mind she is grateful for people who do not bother her. Okay, so I lack the old, crochety attitude, bitter misdemeanor, frilly collared clothes that fit uncomfortably and tiny rimmed glasses. And I'm in a cubicle under bright fluorescent lights with high, tan fabric walls. Not exactly a castle. More like a prison.

Libby would be proud of me right now for writing so randomly. Props sista!

Oh how I've missed my blog! It delights me to barf words upon this digital screen (check out that post--blog barfing--if you haven't read that one). Enough.

Bored at Work

I would have written sooner.  I've very much wanted to keep up this blog.
As it is, October is half way over and I've missed most of the fall leaves.
Through means of anxiety, chronic worry and lack of internet in the house
I have been unable to make that desire a reality.  That being said....

I made a special trip to the bookstore this morning to pick up books for
my thesis.  Apparently the bookstore has always opened at 9am and I
only assumed it was open by 8am.  Needless to say the trip was wasted.
Hopefully I can remember to go over there this morning.  It would be nice
if I acted like I was actually trying to make progress on my thesis.

It's amazing how difficult it is to motivate yourself when all you do is work
all day.  I'd always heard that this was the case, but thought that it would
somehow be different for me; that I would be able to combat the exhaustion,
laziness and apathy most people fall under.  Clearly I was wrong.  Having
a job that requires you to work all day (and I don't even quite work ALL day)
slowly steals all of your creativity, desires, hope, and life in general.  It's
as if someone hooks up some device to you when you enter your office
that drains all of your soul right out.  By the time you leave, you are merely
a shell of a person--an empty, fragile vessel that is easily broken.

I'd like to change my life, but there are a number of reasons why I never do.
The chief of them all is of course fear, however, uncertainty, soul weariness,
despair, lack of vision and direction, and lonliness all take their place in the
line up of combatants.  I am under seige, powerless to control.  Or am I?
Is this all truly my fault?  Should I just buck up and pull myself up by my
bootstraps as they say?  I have heard it said that this is not possible for
anyone (thanks Paulson).  I hate to be charged as one who only waited for
life to happen to her yet what else can I do?  What is my next step?

God I thought you promised to always be with me, so where are you?
I thought you promised to give me a hope and a future, so what is it?
I thought you promised to provide for me, but how is this enough?
I thought you promised to save me from this world, so why don't you come get me?
I thought you promised to send me a preacher, so why don't I have one?