Edge of Grace

The last few days have been spent reading through the posts on my blog. It's amazing how much I've changed since I've arrived here and yet, surprisingly, how much I've remained the same. When I was in MN I wrote so much more eloquently and deeply. I miss that. That being said, tonight at the mission council meeting as Mark was discussing stewardship approaches I realized something rather profound.

Lately I've been complaining that I never get what I want and when I do, it tends to blow up in my face. Amidst this I realize that I'm always given what I need. I reflect on these things in the light that I have been the recipient of some phenomenally amazing experiences in life and wonder when that is going to end (since nothing lasts forever here on Earth). Tonight I discovered that in many of these big events I could name times when I've been given what I need and simultaneously extravagantly graced with things that I want. All of this became clear as Mark spoke about not turning inward and holding things tightly, but living generously and openly asking for daily bread. Reminds me of the Music Box movie: "You're not supposed to horde it!" Lately holding on has been my motto. It's difficult not to grasp life tightly when change keeps coming at you. Reminds me of Henri Nouwen's book With Open Hands.

My latest commission at church is to bring opening devotions to the life group huddle retreat meeting. The focus for the day is something to the effect of "Living On the Edge without Falling Off." This afternoon's pastor's conversation allowed me to remind my co-workers that the gospel still sounds scandalous and illogical (i.e. foolishness) to those who haven't heard it deep into their souls like we have. I was freshly reminded that I am ever living at/on the edge of grace, in the tensions of old/new and now/not yet.