Broken Bracelet

When I was in about 5th or 6th grade my cousins taught me how to make those friendship bracelets out of embroidery floss. I took to the habit quickly and before long had branded myself with about 5-6 on my right ankle. I have had at least 1 or 2 on my right foot since then and sometimes up to 12 (they add up quick when you make the small thin ones). As they would wear out and break off I would replace them.

Last Thursday morning the last one finally broke. I haven't replaced it yet thinking that perhaps it's time to let a childish fetish go. In some ways I feel "naked" without my bracelets on. Usually they are hidden beneath a sock or pants and no one but me knows they are there. On the other hand, I feel kind of free from not having them imprint on my ankle when I cross my feet or sit on the floor.

In a somewhat unrelated event last Thursday afternoon I gained some maturity. People never tell you how much it will cost or hurt to "grow up," but we're all encouraged to want to grow up with great fervor. The circumstances are unimportant save that I felt wounded by the way one of the pastors on staff treated me. What he said made me feel that while I was gifted in some ministry areas, I might not be strong enough to take on the whole package (implying that I might want to reconsider my direction for the next 9 months). I'm fairly certain what he said was meant to help me and keep me aware of my growing edges "for my own good." From a bystander the wounds would be minor if not imperceptible, however the incident reminded me of how my committee treated me a few years ago. I get it. I have baggage and I'm still working on dealing with it. The shocking turn came when I came out of hiding, dried my tears and went back to said staff member and talked to him about it. Though he was still a bit confused as to what he did that caused such pain on my part, he commended me for making such a huge step in coming back and confronting the tension and uneasiness I felt.

I'm still not quite sure how this all fits together in my life. I recognize that I gained some self-confidence because I can literally feel this bit of strength inside me that wasn't there before. I fought for myself because I believed for once in my life that I was worth fighting for. So maybe it's a good thing that bracelet broke.